Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
