dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Randomize
