Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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