there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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