my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
