I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
