I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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