That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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