Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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