I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
