I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize