How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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