Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
