i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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