I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
