I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
