So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize