No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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