Screwed.edu
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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