Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
