Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Let's get the cat blown out
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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