I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
