He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
