god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
