so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize