Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
