You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
