So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
