i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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