This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
