dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
