I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
