It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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