How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
