If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
