i don't like sucking hair
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
