I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
