my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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