Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
