dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize