can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Come on in and take your pants off
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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