Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my being single is dangerous.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
