no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize