We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
