I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
