Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
