six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
