I can tuck mytits in my pants
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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