This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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