Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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