Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
