I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
