I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
