He uses pillows to masturbate.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize