guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
