There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
