You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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