The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
