I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
