end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
